


I love him so, but he'll never know

by hedawanda



Category: Murphamy - Fandom, The 100
Genre: A LOT of Angst, M/M, This is triggering, Thoughts of Suicide, Tw: major death, Very traumatic, i cant stop crying, i listened to the funny girl song, im sorry, okay so this is really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 19:11:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6671650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedawanda/pseuds/hedawanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Murphy remembers the way Bellamy used to touch him like he was made of glass, but now there is but a memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I love him so, but he'll never know

**Author's Note:**

> So if you haven't seen funny girl just look up My man by Barbra Streisand because this is basically based off of it. I'm so sorry for how angsty this is going to be and if you are triggered by suicide or major deaths I suggest you don't read this

The funeral was dark and there were only sobs and whispers heard among the crowd. Family members, friends, even strangers came to say goodbye to the lovable Bellamy Blake. His best friend, his lover, was the last to say goodbye, John Murphy.

He knew Bellamy was fighting brain cancer, ever since he came home and cried to him that he had a tumor growing in his brain. The doctors couldn’t stop it, the tumor was too big by 3 weeks of its notice. And all they could do was wait for the inevitable. 

It was harder for John to call his sister, Octavia. He hated the way her voice cracked when it followed the words of Murphy. He knew he had to tell his best friend and her wife, Clarke and Lexa. But he hated the way Clarke’s face dropped and the tears that swelled in Lexa’s green eyes. It was all too much for him.

But what about him? His own partner in life was gone forever and memories in his head and on paper and in photo were all that was left. A reminder that he once was here on earth, but it wasn’t enough. He remembered meeting Bellamy in this evil world. The boy was the light to his sad life.

The way Bellamy took him in his arms and made his world brighter, a whole new place. He loved when he would kiss him and the world seemed to disappear around them. Yet, that would never happen again. 

He felt a hand rubbing the back of him and it was Clarke’s mother, Abby. There were tears in her eyes, and stained tears already on her cheeks. Her eyes were puffy and red and she was clearly shaking but she knew that Murphy was just going to bottle everything he felt. She embraced his hug and he felt his own tears rushing down his cheeks. God, he hated crying, it made him feel vulnerable, but he couldn’t care less at this moment.

On the ride home it was silent, their own rapid heart beating was more audible than their voices. Clarke had her face in her hands while her wife was comforting her, but nobody was there to comfort murphy. He remembered when Murphy had a bad day at work, Bellamy would always comfort him, even though he was the one that had worse problems, he still managed to love Murphy with all his heart.

Later that night he felt the world crashing down on him once again. He screamed and screamed till he couldn’t anymore. He threw glasses, shards of glass flying at him. He kicked the chairs and door and walls, trying to let the sadness and despair escape him. He felt himself drop to the ground, a sharp pain running through him as his knees hit the hardwood floor.

He could feel his hands reach for any surface but he found nothing. He could still hear Bellamy’s broken voice as the last words he said were, “watch over them for me.” He couldn’t watch over Clarke, octavia, or lexa, he couldn’t even handle himself. Tears finally ran down his cheeks, making soft splatting noise on the hard surface. He laid down on the floor and traced his scars that reminded him of who he used to be, he didn’t want to become that.  
But couldn’t death be better? He couldn’t think that, he couldn’t leave his friends, he knew Bellamy wouldn’t want him to do that. But did Murphy know what Bellamy wanted? Of course not, he wasn’t there to love him anymore, just a empty house full of empty promises and empty regrets.

There was a knock at the door. Living in an apartment, he was too surprised that somebody was concerned enough to go to his door. He moped to the door and opened it, seeing his long time friend Clarke. Clarke was alone, her eyes still slightly red from crying and her expression welcomed murphy. He hugged her with an iron grip but she allowed him, he deserved to be hugged. 

She knew how broken he was. Bellamy was both of their closest friends, and Murphy loved Bellamy. It was hard to see him like this. But she knew she needed to help John any way she could. She sighed, “what happened?” Noticing the glass scattered on the ground, he shrugged.

“I’m angry, what can I say?” His voice was dark and hoarse, like he smoked a whole pack of cigarettes. “I know Bellamy is gone but you can’t trash your place-” “This isn’t my place Clarke!” He exclaims, “It’s Bellamy’s!” He sank into the couch, covering his face. She walked to him cautiously like walking to a ticking time bomb and sat by him. “I know I know,” she said in a hushed voice.

He sobbed into her chest, “I don’t know what to do, Clarke.” He coughed hard and she ran her fingers through his hair slowly, finding little shards of glass. “We’ll find something for you,” she reassured but Murphy wasn’t convinced.

“What if I’ll never find love again? What if I’ll be stuck in this hell hole for the rest of my life?” He cried harder into her shoulder and tears stinged Clarke’s eyes as well.

“Tell me what he meant to you,” she began. He could say a million things, but like a painted photo, he couldn’t speak, only show. He rose a little and got to his feet again. He practically looked like a zombie as he walked to his room and came back with a vinyl player. Engraved on the side of it wrote, “B.B,” Bellamy’s initials. Clarke swallowed-what felt like a golf ball- and stared sadly at the hunched Murphy.

A scratchy rhythm started to play. Clarke could tell it was old, 50’s maybe. Then a voice played, her voice the sound of saddened angels. Orchestra played and carried the melody she sang. “My man, I love him so, but he’ll never know,” The woman sang and it broke the blonde’s heart into a million pieces. 

She took a glimpse of Murphy who was staring blankly at the vinyl player, like he was waiting for something to happen, maybe someone to pop up.

“When he takes me in his arms, the world is bright…” it was like everything went dark and sad, and all she wanted to do was cry and hug Murphy or her wife, or Bellamy again. I guess Murphy wanted that too.

And after a while of staring at the record player, the last note played and Murphy let out a whimper as he dropped to the ground and curled up into a ball. Clarke was a crying mess herself and she wanted to see Bellamy again. But she had to comfort Murphy first. So she forced herself off the couch and to him. Curling beside him and kissing his forehead.

“It’s okay, Bellamy is in a better place,” She whispered. Murphy knew that, but he needed to heal too, which would take awhile.

**Author's Note:**

> Go follow my
> 
> Main blog: fearskaiheda
> 
> Murphamy blog: jxhnsblake


End file.
